June 3 was his D-day and my salvation.
you see I caught him in a lie and I had the proof to back it up.
for the second time he called me by another person’s name at an inappropriate time. this time instead of telling him, I waited till he went running as he usually does in the afternoons. I kept thinking about how I was going to approach this in a different way when I heard his cellphone ringing. He doesn’t display peoples names but it was a number I didn’t recognize. As I stared at the phone I began to think…..I bet he has messages.
So I checked them. The person’s name he had called me had been texting him. 41 times….. and as recent as earlier that morning. As I scrolled down and read each one it became clear he had been intamite with her, said he loved her etc, and blah-blah-blah. There was even a slide show. I could only get to the first image which wasn’t anything special other than a photo taken of her on her phone while in her room it looked like. She was younger, perhaps in her mid 30′s. I could feel the rage burning and boiling till it was choking me.
When he finally came back, I was calm and sat down beside him on the porch swing. Made a little small talk and then told him we needed to talk. He nodded but didn’t seem too curious.
Looking his point blank in the eyes, I told him he needed to come clean. That he had called me her name again and this was his chance to tell the truth. Well you can guess what he did. He lied. Not just once but several times. Telling me he didn’t know anyone by that name, denied he had called me her name..etc..etc..etc. As I glared at him in silence as he finished.. I asked him” Are you VERY sure about that?”
Oh yes, he said. Very positively looking me back right in my eyes, even a bit angerily.
So I got up and went to get his cellphone, I could feel him close behind me. As I turned I handed him his cellphone and said it said differently. He asked me what in the world was I talking about. And then I called him on it.
Told him I knew about the messages. He denied them. “Am I going to have to show you each and everyone Mike!? I know you have been seeing her, I know you have slept with her and I know you have said you love her. I have seen the slide show and I also know there are 41 messages from her here. And one from this morning.
He said nothing but finally slumped back into the porch swing. There was a long silence. I told him he was sick. Not only was he married and seeing me but now he was seeing someone else too? That was just so wrong and he had a real problem. When he finally did speak it was” When you didn’t want to see me in January, I just needed someone to talk too”.
I couldn’t believe it.
I said well, talking is one thing but going to bed with them is a whole different thing. And to believe that I trusted you, was loyal and faithful these 5 years together, after we started seeing each other again, you would do this to me! and continue to do so even to this VERY day! I believed in you and you sure made a fool out of me. You were just vague enough for me to let the things you say go. You are just sick Mike.
He never spoke a word, never said he was sorry. I went back into the house. Soon I heard him packing his stuff and hearing the front door close.
It hurt like hell for a long time after that. I died inside. I hated all men. I hated myself even more. But now I hated him and I used that feeling to let him go inside.
Its been awhile now and I am feeling much better each day. I put myself up on the shelf for awhile but decided that that was not the thing to do. He was out having a grand time, so why couldn’t I.
I started doing things on weekends like visiting museums, watching movies by myself or calling friends and going places with them. Its helped very much. Now I am feeling more like trying again to date. I am somewhat bittersweet but if anything I am honest about what. where, how and when it happened.
I am a better person now.
I am happy and started loosing weight on a fitness program, well more like a personal trainer program called Tony Horton’s P90 sculpturing workout. Its for 120 days and I am determined to stick with it. I have exercised everyday for about a month and its really starting to show.
Why am I doing it? To mainly feel better about myself. Feel pretty again and to finally get rid of these thighs that I have hated since I was 12 or so. Yes, I have thought about seeing Mike again somewhere and making him regret what he did to me. But thats shallow and stupid. This program has brought back my self esteem and my desire to not be body conscious.
I am no longer feeling lucky to have anyone just because of the way I look, but more so because of the way I feel. I am just as important as the next person.
I am somebody. And there are alot of really god men out there that want a relationship like I do.
I just have to find one.
